Undesired Romance
by Taira-chan
Summary: when Jiraiya returned to Konoha to deliver a report on Orochimaru the last thing anyone expected was for Tsunade to start losing her sanity. And no one knows why,except for Tsunade herself and a long lost cob webbed figure from her past. Dan.
1. Drunken Promises

Undesired Romance

Chapter One: Drunken Promises

_So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal, this animal _

"Tsunade," the words were whispered in a soft manner. As if to a lover or to your grandma you didn't wanna piss off by talking too loudly, either worked in the given situation.

Tsunade groaned, not bothering to look up at who was trying to catch her attention, and not really caring either. She was too intoxicated to speak clearly, move or do anything of the sort. Alcohol ran freely through her veins, taking control of her mind and body. Tsunade didn't mind it too much though, not having control. She was actually glad to give the steering wheel to someone else for a change, even if it was a destructive force like alcohol. When you're as stressed and over worked as the Hokage your glad to be able to relax, even if that comes in the form of getting completely and helplessly wasted.

Someone lightly tapped her on the shoulder, but Tsunade just crossly shrugged it off. Couldn't the village elders leave her alone for just one night? Just once without putting their noses where they didn't belong and certainly weren't welcome?

"Tsunade," The male voice said again in the Hokage's ear, this time louder and not as gentle. Tsunade groaned as the "loud" voice of the intruder rang through her ears, causing ripples of pain to pound throughout her forehead. Tsunade forced herself to look up at the unwanted interruption, praying to every god that might or might not exist that it wasn't one of the village elders. However, when she looked up her eyesight was blurry and began to spin in circles. Her body swayed from side to side due to the exhausting effort it took to stay balanced when her head wasn't leaning against the counter. She held her head in her hands and moaned as the Sake took its terrible toll on her body. Tsunade was too disorientated to know or even slightly register that she had slipped out of the bar stool she had been sitting on and was now in someone's arms.

"Whoa now, Tsunade. Didn't I warn you about this? Too much Sake will ruin you," The voice said as he lowered Tsunade into one of the many booths of the bar and then sat down across from her, waiting for her to open her eyes and acknowledge him.

After a few minutes Tsunade forced her bloodshot eyes open and heavily blinked until the fuzzy objects that obscured her eyesight started to form into halfway recognizable shapes. She looked at the man across from her blankly, no memory of who he was registered in her mind. Then again at the time her mind didn't have control, the sake did.

"Oh god! Don't tell me you're so drunk you don't even remember me! Then again by the looks of you, you probably can't even remember your own damn name," The man said impatiently as if this had happened before.

_My name? What is it? Taira? No. T-pain? ...No! Tenten? Hell no. T...t something. Whatever, that's something to worry about later; the important question is who is this creep? Do I really know him like he says, or is he just some stranger who wants to have a one night stand? _Tsunade skeptically thought as she blankly stared at Jiraiya as best as she could.

"Come on Tsunade! I didn't expect to find even _you_ this drunk!" The silver haired man said.

"Orochimaru? No, your not _that_ much of a creeper and you don't look morbid...who _are_ you?" Tsunade sluggishly mumbled with lazy half lidded eyes.

"Oh gee, thanks Tsunade! You remember Orochimaru, but not me? I mean I know you're wasted but still!"

"So-sorry, Jam-James? No, that's not it. Damn it! I'm not gonna get it am I?" Tsunade asked, slurring her words so badly Jiraiya could barely understand her. Her S's sounded more like Sh's, and her O's sounded more like Ah's.

"Jiraiya, Tsunade. I'm Jiraiya."

"oh...Oh! Jiraiya...what are you doing here?" Tsunade asked, squinting her eyes from the amount of brightness in the bar, even though it wasn't all that bright in the room. Tsunade smiled and she began swing her head hazily from side to side, humming a nursery rhyme in her thoughts.

"Here to deliver a report on Orochimaru and Akatsuki. I went to your office and you weren't there, I checked your apartment and you didn't answer the door so I figured you were here. However, you're so drunk that everything I say will go in one ear and out the other. So I might as well save my breath."

"Just tell me..." Tsunade said with half lidded eyes. Jiraiya sighed; her condition was getting worse with every second the dreaded Sake flushed throughout her bloodstream. Jiraiya sighed and shook his head with exasperation. In the state she was in it was best to just do what she wanted, when Tsunade gets drunk she is extremely...unpredictable. Last time someone didn't give her what she wanted, which at the time was more Sake (something that, at the time, she didn't need more of) she punched him through the wall, into the neighboring flower shop. Jiraiya really didn't have a choice but to tell her about Orochimaru, even if he knew she wouldn't listen or really care.

So while Jiraiya droned on about Orochimaru, Tsunade idly sat there, her head spinning this way and that in a bored and whimsical manner. The black bags under her eyes had drastically darkened from too much Sake and not enough sleep, making her condition look even worse than it really was. Tsunade ran her fingertip around the rim of a Sake cup as she pondered over random and senseless thoughts that could only be the product of drunken giddiness.

"I almost got Orochimaru...almost. If only had acted faster we wouldn't have ever had to worry about that morbid pedophile again," Jiraiya solemnly said, finally finishing his report. Tsunade bubbly giggled, which led to a series of uncontrolled hiccups, both of which made her sound completely delirious. Jiraiya looked at her with raised eyebrows and a dropped jaw. His concern for her current state of mind was growing with every second. When she was done with her hiccup fit she smiled and wistfully said.

"You know what I always say. Almost only counts in hand grenades and...and that one game...with horseshoes...and a stake in the ground," Tsunade said, still sluggish.

"Horseshoes?" Jiraiya skeptically asked.

"Yes, that's the one!" Tsunade happily said, pointing at Jiraiya while swaying from side to side.

_Can't keep up with this one. One minute hazy and sluggish, the next happy and giddy, then sluggish and hazy again. Next thing ya know she'll get pissed off for no reason and slug me. I better get her home before anything really bad happens,_ Jiraiya thought as he stood and extended his hand out for Tsunade to take.

"Come on, I'm taking you home." Tsunade just sat there with a foolish grin on her face, obviously refusing to go home.

"No," She said, her lips barely able to form the word.

"Come on Tsunade I'm being serious here."

"So am I...fine...but not before one more cup of Sake."

"Not happening."

"Then no."

"Tsunade this isn't up for debate. I'll carry you home if I have to."

"I'll scream rape."

"You're too drunk."

"Ah...touché?" Tsunade asked, unsure if she had gotten the famed French phrase right.

"Right, touché. Now up, I am taking you home, whether you like it or not," Jiraiya firmly commanded, taking her hand and pulling her up from the booth. Tsunade stumbled around a bit and had to take off her high heels and grab onto Jiraiya's arm before she was steady enough so she could walk from the bar. Jiraiya just smiled and shook his head as he walked Tsunade from the bar, somewhat amused by her outlandish behavior.

On the way to her apartment Tsunade sang to her drunken hearts content. Her voice was shrill, loud, off key, out of note, and just plain dreadful. Jiraiya couldn't help but chuckle and shake his head when he realized Tsunade had royally screwed up the lyrics to an old Japanese favorite, a song everyone in the village knew by heart.

"Well Tsunade you certainly know how to ruin a good song," Jiraiya lightly chuckled. Tsunade just shrugged, her arm hooked with Jiraiya's as she swung herself all about the place. She stumbled a lot as she walked and swung to the beat of no present music, even if she didn't notice it. Actually the only reason she hadn't collapsed right about then was because Jiraiya had most of her weight leaned against his one arm.

After a few awful minutes of stumbling, awful singing, and giddy giggles people began to stick their heads out of windows and doors, only to see the drunken Hokage and the Toad sage walking together down the street. Jiraiya smiled apologetically to everyone who was disturbed by Tsunade's horrid singing and loud, shrill giggles. In response they just shook their heads and went back to sleep, they had seen it all before and they weren't too surprised to see it again.

Jiraiya shook his head and sighed after acknowledging the last of the curious villagers, "If you're not careful Tsunade you could go from being Hokage to being a drunken old cat lady in debt." Tsunade, however ignored his concern filled warning and continued singing. Jiraiya sighed, she never would get it, would she?

Finally they came to her apartment building, thank god it was on the first story. After Jiraiya finally got Tsunade into her lavish apartment, she crashed onto the couch with a loud thud. A chorus of groans and moans escaped from Tsunade's lips, the alcohol had begun to cause her physical pain, just like it always did. Jiraiya just stared at her, wondering if he should leave her know or stay and help her at least until she passed out for the night. Jiraiya was sure she had done this before so therefore she could take care of herself. Then again there had to be some kind of moral rule that said you couldn't leave your wasted friend, who does happen to be woman, alone in her apartment while she's crashed out on her couch and obviously in pain, right? Well even if there wasn't some kind of rule against it he couldn't just leave her...right? Jiraiya sighed to himself he couldn't think like that, he _had_ to help her, whether he liked it or not.

He walked over to the kitchen and got an ice pack from the fridge and pain killers from a cabinet. He got Tsunade a glass of water and brought the three items over to the barely conscious Hokage. Tsunade sighed a sigh of relief after she had chugged down the glass of water along with the pills, she would've let the glass slip from her fingertips onto the tile floor if Jiraiya hadn't caught it with quick reflexes.

Once he had placed the ice pack on Tsunade's aching forehead and told her not to move, he went to the bathroom and got a trashcan for when Tsunade would inevitably throw up all the sake she had chugged that night.

When he finally got Tsunade situated and as comfortable as a wasted drunk can possibly get, Jiraiya sat across from Tsunade on another, smaller couch. His eyes ran across the features of her apartment, taking in every detail; even if it wasn't his first time in the apartment, it always seemed to amaze him that it could be possible for anyone to live so lavishly. Jiraiya smirked as his mind drifted off to other things, before he knew it he was staring off into space, his mind deep in thought.

_There was once a time when I would've taken advantage of a drunken Tsunade. But I was a lot younger then...a whole hell of a lot stupider._ Jiraiya thought to himself with a small chuckle.

Before he knew it Tsunade had completely passed out into a deep sleep. She had already thrown up, much to poor Jiraiya's utter disgust. He had already cleaned the bathroom for her to remove the stench of vomit and Sake and had taken out the trash. He had even cleaned some dishes just for the hell of it, not like he had anything better to do. Jiraiya stood up and walked towards the door, then he paused and backtracked his steps. He walked over to his childhood's crush's sleeping/unconscious body and gently kissed her on the cheek. He then lightly whispered in her ear, "Take care of yourself. Don't drink too much, I won't be around forever to take care of you, ya know." And with that Jiraiya left the apartment without a sound, leaving nothing behind but the smell of his cologne.

I can't escape this hell

So many times I've tried

But I'm still caged inside

somebody get me through this nightmare

I can't control myself


	2. Torn In Two

Undesired Romance

Chapter Two: Torn In Two

_Over and over, over and over_

_I fall for you_

_Over and over, over and over_

_I try not to_

_Over and over, over and over_

_You make me fall for you_

_Over and over, over and over_

_You don't even try _

Tsunade groaned, her head pounded, her body ached and trembled, her stomach hurt, and quite plainly she felt like complete crap. Her eyes flickered open and she stared up at the ceiling of her apartment, why was she on the couch? Why did she feel completely wasted? Why couldn't she remember what had happened last night? And where did the blanket that covered her body come from?

Tsunade slowly sat up, trying not to upset her body more than it already was. She blinked heavily and her head pounded when she looked into the blinding light that flooded into her apartment. She squinted her eyes and groaned, the light only made her head spin and pound more than it already was. She lowered her head and held the side of in the palm of one of her hands.

'_Hangover, no doubt about it. I must've gotten wasted last night, but wouldn't I at least remember it?_ ' Tsunade asked herself as she desperately tried to remember last night. However she could only remember snippets of the night before, small clips if you will, but she couldn't piece together the whole picture. All she could remember was going to her favorite Sake bar after a long day at work (much to Shizune's disapproval) after that everything went dark. She then remembered her sitting across from a man in a booth, her body swaying to the tune of no obvious music, the man yammering on about something, something Tsunade obviously wasn't attention to. Tsunade sighed, the man was familiar to her, yet a stranger at the same time. She knew him, but didn't, she just couldn't place his face in the place it belonged. Tsunade shook her head, she would worry about the mystery man later. The next and last memory she had of that night was her walking home with the same man she had been sitting with. Tsunade growled, there were so many unanswered questions, that was the worst part of a hangover. Not the pains and aches, but the scraps of memory that would never be placed together right, the questions that would irk her until she got her answers.

Tsunade sighed, maybe a shower would ease her mind and bring back some memories of the previous night, just maybe. Tsunade got up, her body still trembling and her eyes hurting from a current sensitivity to light due to the hangover. She steadied herself with the arm of the couch, her body swaying and her mind spinning this way and that. Tsunade slowly walked to her bathroom, reaching out periodically to steady herself, thankful her apartment was only one story. She closed the door of the bathroom with a loud thud and locked the door for no reason. She quickly started the shower, setting the water to the warmest setting. Tsunade quickly undressed, but not before noticing the distinct smell of cologne, a cologne she knew well but once again she just couldn't place it.

'_Cologne, I know that cologne. Ugh, why can't I remember anything?' _ Tsunade thought to herself as she pulled back the curtain and stepped into the shower; the warm, calming water beating onto her bare back, calming her frazzled nerves. Her head stopped pounding so ferociously and her aversion to light slowly faded. Her stomach stopped aching and she began to feel a little better. She closed her eyes and just stood there, water pouring down her neck and arms while her senses became clearer with every rhythmic beat of water. She sighed, breathing in the smell of cologne that still barely clung to her skin. As her senses became clear she pictured who it was, who the cologne belonged to. Piece by piece her memory came back, a small piece of the puzzle came to her with every deep breath. White hair. Black eyes. Red lines coming from the eyes. Toads...toads?

'_Jiraiya.'_ Tsunade thought to herself, glad that it was Jiraiya and not some creeper who took her home. She sighed, she could see it clearly now, her and him walking home, but this time his face full of details, weariness, the hardships of age; while Tsunade's showed nothing but drunken blissfulness. She growled to herself and pressed the palm of her hand against the tile wall of the shower, Jiraiya would never live it down. She could just imagine the conversation they would have when he would no doubt be waiting in her office.

First he would comment about how she was late. Tsunade would respond with something along the lines of, "One of the perks of being Hokage is just as long as I come into the office sometime during the day, no one cares when". Jiraiya would then smirk and make some kind of comment about last night, maybe about how drunk she was, or how she should watch herself, or how the oh so strong Hokage needed help from a simple toad sage just to get back to her apartment. Either way, Tsunade would glare at him harshly and give him some kind of sassy reply, then order him to spit out what he wanted to tell her because he probably wasn't there for a social visit. Jiraiya would then shrug and tell her what he had told her the night before, but just as he had said earlier, it had gone in one ear and out the other.

Tsunade heavily breathed out, she hated how well she knew Jiraiya, like a lover almost...no. She couldn't, Jiraiya was a colleague, maybe even a friend...maybe, but definitely not a lover. But still, she hated how she knew him almost better than herself...almost better than Dan, a thought that irked her, it was the kind of thought that gave her nightmares in the middle of the night. Those were the kinds of things that drove her to get as wasted as she had the night before. Tsunade shivered despite the warm water that showered her body.

After thirty minutes Tsunade got out of the shower, her mind clear and her hangover symptoms not as bad. Tsunade wondered if she should just not go into the office, she didn't know why but the thought of seeing Jiraiya almost...scared her? No that couldn't be it, could it? No matter the reason, she didn't want go in that day, it didn't really matter why did it? Of course not.

'_I shouldn't go in. I'm having a hangover, how much work can I actually get done with my head pounding? ' _Tsunade thought as she carefully brushed out her thick, blonde hair.

'_If I don't go in Shizune will get worried, and Jiraiya. He'll find me eventually even if I don't go in today, I can't avoid him, not for long at least. Anyways what am I afraid of? This is isn't the first time he's seen me wasted and it definitely won't be the last.'_ Tsunade thought as she accepted the fact, she had to go into the office that day, hangover or no hangover, it didn't matter.

Tsunade slowly got ready to go into the office, periodically checking the time. It was almost noon by the time she left, her head still pounding slightly and the light still hurting her eyes, but at least her stomach didn't hurt, Pepto Bismol had taken care of that.

She walked to her office as fast a she could, wanting to get away from brightness of the outside sun and the loud screams of playing children. She hated how crammed the dirt roads were in the afternoon; that's why she always went to work early, so she could avoid all the afternoon traffic. It always was a pain having to dodge children, food carts, business men too busy talking to pay attention to who they were bumping into, ninjas carrying out their orders, and just random people all at once.

Tsunade was glad when she finally got out of the hot, stuffy dirt roads and into the Hokage's tower. However her head was still pounding and her eyes ached from her troublesome commute to work. She didn't feel like complete crap, but she felt close to it. She was just thankful she had a bottle of Alka-seltzer and aspirin in her desk just for a situation just like the one she was in now.

Tsunade treaded up the stairs to her office loudly, not caring if anyone heard her. She pushed the door to her office gruffly open and stomped in, only to see Jiraiya sitting behind her desk, grinning.

"Aren't we peachy this morning? And late too, tsk, tsk Tsunade," Jiraiya playfully scolded. Tsunade growled and glared at him coldly. Jiraiya just laughed, her glare didn't affect him at all.

"I'm the Hokage it doesn't matter when I come into the office just as long as I do. So if I want to come in at one I'm aloud to," Tsunade muttered as she walked to the windows and shut the curtains, leaving a few small candles to light the room. She then stormed over to her desk, roughly pulling out one of the drawers and pulled out two bottles, one aspirin and the other alka seltzer. She poured herself two cups of water, and set them on the desk. Jiraiya quietly observed her as she popped an aspirin into her mouth and took a gulp of one of the cups of water. After she swallowed down the pill she took out two alka seltzers and dropped them into the other glass, leaving it to fizz. Tsunade turned back to Jiraiya and glared, "Get up, that's my desk."

"someone's touchy," Jiraiya remarked, smirking as he got up and motioned for Tsunade to sit. Tsunade glared at him even harder now as she sat down. "Or is it just the hangover, you were pretty beaten up last night, that is if you even remember last night."

"Why are you here?"

"To deliver my report on Orochimaru, I gave it to you last night, not that you remember."

"Just tell me now," Tsunade coldly said as she picked up the water that had Alka seltzer in it and chugged it in one gulp. Jiraiya shrugged and sat down across from Tsunade, on the other side of her desk. Tsunade looked at him in astonishment as he told his report, everything he had said and done, everything she had predicted. When she was taking a shower she had predicted what would happen, and exactly that had happened. It was creepy almost if you really thought about it, the way they knew so much about each other, like how a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend would. Tsunade slightly shivered from the thought.

"Are you even listening to me?" Jiraiya asked exasperated, after he noticed Tsunade was looking off in another direction.

"Hmm?" Tsunade asked, her head snapping back to Jiraiya and her train of thoughts being broken.

"Of course you didn't. You know what, I'll just write up my report, okay? That way you can read it when you aren't drunk, having a hangover, or gambling," Jiraiya sighed.

"No, it's fine continue," Tsunade prodded.

"No, you're not going to listen anyways, I might as well save my breath."

"fine be stubborn."

"I will...oh and you're relieved of your Hokage duties or whatever," Jiraiya said standing up.

"What?" Tsunade asked, utterly confused by his choice of words.

"You must have a killer headache from the looks of all the aspirin you took, and it seems you have a sensitivity to light, both no doubt from the hangover. However I'm sure these are only two of the long list of symptoms you're probably suffering from. You must be in a lot of pain, you can't work like this. You are going home, you can't get anything done if you have a hangover anyways, so you might as well go. I won't let you work with a hangover,"

"I've done it before, I can do it again," Tsunade defiantly said, a bit surprised by the sudden turn of events.

"Yeah well those times you didn't have someone to take your place."

"Oh really and who would that be? Shizune?"

"Me," Jiraiya said as if it was obvious.

"I'd rather entrust Kakashi and Gai. I mean come on Jiraiya, what if the village elders come in or someone needs to talk to me,"

"Hey, I can handle the village elders just fine. And if someone wants to talk to you they can talk to me and if that isn't good enough then they can wait until you aren't suffering from a hangover. And I already talked to Shizune about it, she thinks it's the best for you too," Jiraiya said, obviously offended.

"You know what? I take that back I'd rather trust Orochimaru than you any day."

"Now that's just mean," Jiraiya smirked as he walked overt to Tsunade and held out his hand.

"I'm not going home."

"Yes, you are. That alcohol must still be in your system if you think you can work with a hangover."

"I'm staying."

"Fine," Jiraiya said as he walked over to the windows and completely opened the curtains on all of the windows, letting light flood into the room. Tsunade squinted and heavily blinked, she shielded her eyes from the blaring sun with her hand, but that still didn't stop the white spots that clouded her vision. Tsunade growled as her head started to pound and her vision started to slightly spin. She held her forehead in the palm of her hand for the hundredth time that day. Tsunade stood up out of her chair to shut the curtains, but before she could her vision dipped a bit and her body slightly tipped to the side. Tsunade steadied herself using the edge of her desk, she looked at Jiraiya who wore an I-Told-you-So look on his smug face.

"Jerk," Tsunade whispered.

"Good, it's settled. You will go home and don't come back until you feel better, and if you even try to come in tomorrow I _will_ have Shizune escort you back out. If I have to I'll get security to escort you out, either way you won't get back in this building until at least two days from now, if that."

"What am I supposed to do until then?"

"Easy, don't get drunk. Simple as that."

"Shut up," Tsunade growled. Jiraiya was lucky she had a hangover to deal with or else Tsunade would've already pounded his face in with her fist.

"Aww come on it can't be that bad Tsunade. I mean its win win. I get to play Hokage for a couple of days and you get a mini vacation." Tsunade didn't reply but instead slowly walked from her office, her temper had really reached her limit, that always happened when she had a hangover, she acts like she's PMSing or something.

"Oh and Shizune will escort you out," Jiraiya called after her.

"Afraid I'll try and get back in?" Tsunade testily called back.

"Nope, just don't want you to collapse." Tsunade sighed and walked out. Shizune met her at the door of the office, she looked timid and scared but Tsunade didn't notice. The two walked in silence the whole time, Tsunade too pissed and Shizune too timid to speak a single word or phrase. Shizune escorted the Hokage all the way to her apartment, under orders of Jiraiya of course.

"You know he really does care," Shizune meekly said to Tsunade as she stepped into her apartment. Tsunade didn't answer, instead she darkly looked at Shizune and slammed the door in her face. A small 'eep' came from Shizune when the door was rudely shut in her face. Shizune closed her eyes and shook her head, the Hokage never would understand how much the toad Sage really did care about her.

Tsunade leaned her back against the door and sighed. She didn't understand what was going on. She had been so...so testy towards Jiraiya...why? Not even Tsunade knew the answer to that. Maybe it was some subconscious thing, who knows what it was? Maybe she didn't like him worrying so much about her, maybe she didn't like being babied. Yeah that's it, Tsunade decided at length.

Tsunade heavily sighed and let her body slide down the door, she extended her legs so she was sitting with them spread out in front of her. Tsunade leaned her head against the door and closed her eyes, trying to numb her senses so the pounding of her head would subside at least a little.

Tsunade growled to herself, she had almost perfectly anticipated the conversation she and Jiraiya had had, that was until he sprung the whole I'll be Hokage for the next couple of days thing. However Tsunade was glad that she hadn't anticipated that, glad she didn't know Jiraiya as well as she thought, glad she didn't know him like a lover. Tsunade should've been used to this by now, the thoughts, the actions, the situation, everything. It happened every time Jiraiya came back to report something, she would always feel as if they knew each other too well for their own good. But it did temporarily console her that she didn't know Jiraiya completely, that maybe he still had a few surprises left in store after all those years.

Tsunade pressed her palm against her forehead, she was thinking too hard, she was making a mountain out of a molehill. There was no reason to be concerned. Because the thing was Tsunade knew she was worried about something, but she just didn't know what she getting worked up about, she didn't have a clue what made her so worried. And maybe that was the part that unnerved her most, maybe she was afraid she was losing it, anything could happen, right?

"Ugh, just stop it. Why do I always get so...so worked up when _he_ comes back? why do I worry so much? What is there to worry about? That I'll fall desperately in love with him and then he'll sweep me off my feet and ride away in the sunset?" Tsunade wryly laughed as the cynical words came from her mouth. Her words eased her mind a little more, no matter how dark and wry they may have been.

"I need some more sleep, maybe that will ease my mind a little," Tsunade wearily said after a wave of exhaustion and headaches hit her full on. She hadn't really noticed it, but now that she thought about it she was really tired, and her bed sounded really comfortable right now. The only thing was, she would have to get up and walk to her bed, something she didn't really want to deal with.

After a few minutes of arguing with herself Tsunade decided to just get up and go to bed, it's not like it was that long of a walk to her bedroom. Tsunade slowly pushed herself off of the wooden floor of her apartment. She walked to her bedroom and basically plopped down onto her bed. She didn't even bother to pull the covers up over her body before she drifted into a restless and shallow sleep.

…

That day Tsunade slept the day away, however her sleep was shallow and restless, she was periodically waking up due to dreams or rather more, nightmares. Through all the dreams she had one that stood out in particular, and not in a good way. This dream disturbed her on a whole new level, it was like nothing she had ever experienced before. It was the kind of dream that crawled under your skin and somehow managed to completely screw up your sanity, or in some cases the little sanity you have left.

The dream started out with Tsunade, alone in a completely white room. She was sitting in a wooden chair and was staring into a mirror. She saw herself in the mirror, but she looked older, more tired and less youthful than usual. There were black, heavily defined black bags under her eyes and wrinkles cascaded her skin. Tsunade blankly looked into the mirror, her eyes searching feverishly for something.

Suddenly the image in the mirror started to swirl and take a new shape. The shape of a young man. A young Konoha ninja with long hair and sparkling eyes full of life and dreams. It was a face and name Tsunade knew all too well from her long treasured and unforgotten memories.

"Dan," Tsunade breathlessly whispered. Dan looked at her coldly, with no love, no respect, no nothing, just a blank stare.

"Tsunade, have you forgotten about me? I may be dead but I still love you the same. This Jiraiya man, do you love him?" Dan asked, his face turning from a blank stare to a mournful face filled with regrets.

"N-no Dan. I love you, I really do. Believe me...Jiraiya is nothing, please Dan. Don't say that," Tsunade whispered, she felt as if she had just been stabbed in the heart. She began to sob, tears streamed down her cheeks. She covered her face with her hands, afraid to look into the mirror, afraid of what she might see.

"Are you sure...he seems to love you."

"No! We are colleagues...nothing more and nothing less. I will never love anyone but you...you Dan! I love you!"

"You know each other like lovers do. You can predict all of your conversations, you know what he will say and what you will say in response. Why are doing this to me Tsunade? I love you."

"I-I love you to, please Dan," Tsunade croaked, burying her face even further into her hands, too ashamed to look up at her lover's image.

"You _loved_ me, but now I'm nothing more than a memory of the past. You don't have to tell me, you don't have to admit it to yourself, we both know its the truth," Dan said his voice sad, it sounded as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Tsunade fell from her chair onto her knees. She held her face with her hands and sobbed harder than before.

That's when Tsunade woke with a start, her brow lined with a cold sweat and her body trembling and shaking. Her eyes were filled with fear and her mind filled with doubt. If Tsunade was the weak, cry baby type she probably would've bursted into tears by now, but she somehow held herself together even though there wasn't anyone for her to hold herself together for.

Tsunade got up and walked to the kitchen. She got a glass of water and a bottle of sleeping pills she only used in emergencies. This was an emergency, right? Of course it was, Tsunade reassured herself after taking two sleeping pills, twice the dosage recommended. Tsunade groggily walked back to her bedroom with the bottle of pills still in her hand, the sleeping pills already taking into affect. Tsunade lazily dropped the pills onto her nightstand and then pretty much collapsed onto her bed. She instantly fell into a deep, however artificially induced, sleep; but not before whispering, "I really do love you Dan."

_ So many thoughts that I can't_

_get out of my head_

_I try to live without you, every time I feel dead_

_I know what's best for me_

_But I want to keep you instead_

_I'll keep on wasting all my time _


	3. A Balancing Act Of Love And Hate

Undesired Romance

Chapter Three: A Balancing Act Of Love And Hate

_I hate everything about you_

_Why do I love you_

_You hate everything about me_

_why do you love me_

_I hate_

_You hate_

_I hate_

_You love me _

_I hate everything about you_

_Why do I love you _

Jiraiya groaned as he came to his senses. His head snapped up from its place resting against his arm. His arms were crossed over each other, laying on the desk of the Hokage. The last thing he remembered was Shizune leaving for the night and him telling her he would go home when he was done sorting all the reports she had given him. He must've fallen asleep while he was sorting the paperwork, what a shock. Jiraiya sighed and lifted his arm from the desk, he peeled a paper from some mission assignment off of his arm and threw it into the messy, unorganized pile. He looked at all the out of order mission assignments and incident reports and nervously scratched his head. Tsunade was gonna kill him for this. He turned around and looked outside, squinting at the bright sun that came in through the windows. He peered down at the street and smiled when he saw and could faintly hear small children playing tag.

_Clack, Clack, Clack, Clack_

Jiraiya turned his head towards the door and waited for whoever was outside to come in. He half expected it to be Tsunade.

_Knock, Knock_

Jiraiya shook his head, Tsunade wouldn't have knocked on the door of her own office.

"Jiraiya? Are you here yet? Can I come in?" The timid voice of Shizune asked, unsure if Jiraiya was in the office or if he had forgotten to come in.

"Yeah, I'm here, obviously. And yeah you can come in," Jiraiya called, just loud enough so Shizune could barely hear him.

_ "_Thank-you, sorry I'm late I kind of over slept, will you forgive me?" Shizune said as she struggled to open the door with her hand, since her arms were full with folders containing reports on various Konoha missing-nin.

"It's fine, I over slept too in a way," Jiraiya chuckled as he tried to catch up on the previous night's sorting. But finally he threw papers down with a sigh, completely giving up hope on ever being able to sort the mound of ever growing papers. Jiraiya leaned his elbows on Tsunade's desk and lowered his head, supporting his forehead with his thumbs.

Jiraiya suddenly looked up when he heard a thud and the Hokage's desk sharply vibrate. He groaned when he saw the new stack of folders Shizune had dropped onto the desk with an apologetic smile.

"More reports? I haven't even gotten through the ones you gave me last night! I don't know how Tsunade does this," Jiraiya said as his head collapsed into his hands in despair

"I thought you said you were going to leave when you had finished. What did you do?" Shizune said with horror, seeing for the first time the current state of Tsunade's desk.

"Well that was until I fell asleep while doing that and woke not long before you came," Jiraiya yawned while rubbing his eyes.

"You've been sleeping this whole time? It's one o'clock Jiraiya!" Shizune almost cried out, not sure what else to say.

"Oh it is? Damn, I must've been tired," He casually remarked as if sleeping in til one o'clock was a normal thing for him.

"Well I guess, but you should probably start working on-" Shizune started to say before Jiraiya stood up and stretched his arms and back.

"I'm gonna go check on Tsunade, make sure she's still alive and all that good stuff. How about you get to work on sorting this stuff, I'll help you when I get back, 'Kay?" Jiraiya said, flashing Shizune a big grin before quickly leaving.

"Check on Tsunade? Pah, yeah right. You just wanna get outta work, don't you? And leave me to do it too! Humph, you probably won't even come back until, what? Six, maybe, if I'm lucky," Shizune muttered to herself crossly as she sat down in the chair behind Tsunade's desk and began to go through the load of papers that needed to be sorted, signed and stamped as quickly as possible, and it was just Shizune's luck that she was the only one to do it.

...

Tsunade cracked one of her eyes open slowly with hesitance. Her body was spread out on the bed in a spread eagle like position, she took up practically her whole Queen sized bed. Tsunade groaned, her head swayed gently from side to side, and her vision spun in circles. What was going on? The hangover should've been done by now? Why did she feel like all she wanted to do was sleep? Tsunade hazily turned her head to the side and looked at her nightstand through groggy, half lidded eyes, and suddenly it hit her. Sleeping pills. She had taken twice the dosage she should have taken the previous night and now she was paying the price. Tsunade groaned and closed her eyes, she just wanted to drift back to sleep, but she knew she couldn't. She had work to do, she wasn't about to let Jiraiya of all people help her do her job.

Tsunade struggled to push the thick and heavy covers off of her body. She slowly sat up, her head was violently spinning and her stomach lurched. Tsunade swung her legs over the side of the bed and she shivered, goosebumps rose on her fair skin. Unfortunately one of the side affects of the sleeping medication was feeling extremely cold no matter how much Tsunade tampered with the thermostat.

Tsunade swiftly jumped from the bed, not realizing that with her condition it was a bad idea, until she collapsed onto all fours. Tsunade was breathing heavily, almost gasping for breath as her vision went blurry and became unreliable. Colors became to blend and shapes began to lose their definition. She slowly lifted her hand and reached out for the nightstand. Once she grasped onto the side of the nightstand she reached up for the top of it. When her hand was placed on the top of the nightstand she used it to push herself up. Tsunade slowly and carefully stood up on wobbly legs, her knees shook and trembled violently. She tried to step forward only to stumble. The only thing that had kept her from falling on her face was the fact that she had reached out and stopped herself by placing her hand on the wall.

Tsunade sighed, sleeping pills were a real pain in the ass. She turned around slowly so her back was leaning against the wall. After a few seconds she fell onto the floor with a thud after her seemingly dead legs gave way under her weight. Tsunade groaned as she unconsciously brought her legs up to her chin and rested it on her knees. How was she going to overcome this? …..Stimulants! Tsunade had almost a box full of stimulants used for situations when a shinobi had late night guard duties and they needed to stay awake, however they aren't supposed to be used in excess or for any other reason. But this is an exception, right?

_'That's what you said about the sleeping pills too,'_ A voice deep inside the back of Tsunade's head said. '_If you don't watch it you'll get into a cycle, and you of all people, being a medical-nin and all, know how very_ _dangerous that can be.'_ The voice said again. ' _But what if I don't, I'll be a heap of uselessness, I can't allow that. Those stimulants won't hurt, just as long as I only do this once I'll be fine.' _ Tsunade reassured herself, the voice in the back of her head had no response, leaving Tsunade to her decision. The only problem was how was she supposed to get to the closet? She had to get to those stimulants somehow, but how could she if she couldn't even walk so as long stand up even?

'_Even as degrading as it is, I guess I'll have to crawl. How embarrassing, the Hokage having to crawl to her closet to get a stimulant drug because she overdosed on sleeping medication on purpose, humph.'_ Tsunade crossly thought as she stiffly pushed herself out of her sitting position and began to crawl towards the closet, thankful no one was there to see her. She crawled across the floor of her bedroom despite her fading vision that came in blotches and unclear spots. When she came to the closet she reached up to the doorknob and turned it, opening the door to reveal a closet full of boxes. Tsunade blindly reached for a shoe box and pulled it out of the closet.

Once Tsunade had retrieved the box she sat down on the floor and reached inside it, taking out the smallest of all the needles. With trembling hands she carefully inserted the needle into the crease on the inside of her arm where her elbow was on the outside of her arm. Her finger trembled as she thought of all the blood that must be inside her body, even if she had mostly gotten over her fear of blood, if she thought too hard about it still gave her the shivers. She sighed a sigh of relief when the needle's liquid had emptied into her body and the needle itself was empty. She carelessly tossed it into the trashcan, barely making it by an inch. 

Tsunade smiled as she felt the sudden rush of energy flow through her body. Almost immediately her vision cleared and became useful again, her head stopped pounding and she was no longer sluggish. Tsunade stood up slowly, still cautious just in case the stimulants hadn't taken full affect yet. This time however she could stand without collapsing, though her steps were a bit unbalanced due to the sudden burst of energy.

Tsunade walked to the kitchen and got herself what was breakfast for her, but lunch for everyone else. she was actually quite surprised when she looked over at the clock and noticed it was almost one o'clock, she scolded herself for sleeping herself so late even if it wasn't actually her own fault.

_Knock, knock, knock._

Tsunade's eyes quickly darted to the door from her place in the small kitchen.

"Come in!" She called, figuring it was Shizune or possibly Sakura.

"Well someone's bright and shiny this morning...er...afternoon," Jiraiya said not so sarcastically as he usually would have. He scratched the back of his head and smiled. A small smile played upon Tsunade's lips as she washed her dishes in the sink.

"You can sit in the living room, I'll join you in a few minutes. Tea? Or coffee?" Tsunade asked, a bit more cheerfully than she usually did. Something was definitely going on, Jiraiya decided at length as he sat down on one of the chairs in the living room.

"Nah, neither. I just came by to check up on you, you seem to be doing all right, am I right?" Jiraiya asked, making sure not to arouse Tsunade's suspicions.

"Yes, I'm fine actually," Tsunade pleasantly said as she came over to join Jiraiya with a cup of tea in her hand. She sat down on a chair across from his and crossed her legs. She smirked and looked expectantly at Jiraiya, waiting for him to say something.

"I'm glad. That hangover was pretty bad. But even though you seem fine today, you aren't getting back into the office," Jiraiya sternly said as friendly as he could. Tsunade's shoulders slightly slumped but other than that she showed no obvious signs of disappointment or anger, like he expected. Instead she just shrugged it off.

"So how's being Hokage for the day coming along?" Tsunade asked.

"Not too well, I have loads of papers to sort through and all that good stuff. I have Shizune working on it now, but there's only so long she'll do it before she explodes in my face," Jiraiya chuckled.

"You know if you let me back in the offi-" Tsunade slyly started to say.

"Oh no you don't," Jiraiya said smirking, so Tsunade was in there somewhere, huh? Jiraiya looked down at her fingers and noticed they abnormally twitching against her pant leg every few seconds. He also noticed her body was always moving in some way, whether it was shifting positions, sipping her tea, tapping her feet, playing with the bracelet around her wrist, or just twitching. In other words, she hadn't sat still the whole time he had been there.

"Is something wrong?" Tsunade suspiciously asked as she watched Jiraiya, who was watching her.

"Are you sure your okay?" Jiraiya asked skeptically.

"Yes! Of course I am sure. I think I would notice if something was wrong, don't you think?" Tsunade said, rolling her eyes, obviously exasperated. Well, at least Tsunade was acting normal again, what had made her so...happy?

"I guess. You just seemed...twitchy, I guess," Jiraiya said, struggling to find the right words.

"Twitchy? You're a famous author and the best descriptive word you can come up for my 'odd behavior' is twitchy?" Tsunade asked with a certain amount of amusement while putting air quotes over "odd behavior".

"Yeah I guess so. Well I better go before Shizune gets even more pissed at me for leaving her to do all the work, bye, and take care of yourself" Jiraiya said chuckling as he got up and showed himself out, slamming the door behind him.

"Help Shizune? Yeah right! You're biggest slacker of all time! Humph," Tsunade scoffed as she took a drink out of her tea cup. "Well I guess I have to be careful with those stimulants, for a bit there I was deliriously happy...hmm that must be side affect. But thankfully not one that lasts long, however the twitching thing must be from too much energy in my body and not enough ways to get rid of it...hmmm. If Jiraiya or Shizune see me like this too many times they'll get worried. And if I begin to fall into a cycle, not only would they worry even more they'd try to send me to a doctor...maybe even a shrink. Ugh, no thanks, I'll have to use stimulants only if I absolutely need it, I can't afford to fall into a cycle," Tsunade said rubbing her head, while noticing her fingers were subconsciously twitching and her body was trembling a bit.

…

"Hey, Shizune, sorry I left you hanging," Jiraiya said smirking as he came into the Hokage's office. Shizune was slumped behind the desk of the Hokage, she looked utterly exhausted.

"Yeah, okay," She said yawning and stretching out her limbs.

"So did you get any progress?" Jiraiya asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, I sorted through and filed all of the papers I gave you last night and I'm going through the ones I gave you this morning and the ones that I just got," Shizune said with an exasperated sigh, she was so tired she even forgot to ask about Tsunade. "Oh, I forgot, how is Lady Tsunade?"

"Good...but I do have a question for you. Can you think of anything that would make someone, let's see what's the right word for it? Basically they couldn't sit still, and have quick and sudden mood swings," Jiraiya asked, acting as if it was just out of curiosity.

"Oh, lots of things...let's see any number of drugs. But the most common among shinobi, would be taking an overdose of sleeping pills then when they wake up they inject themselves with stimulant drugs. Why? Is something wrong with Tsunade?" Shizune nervously asked, standing up out of her chair.

"No, no of course not," Jiraiya reassuringly said with a realistic looking fake grin. Shizune sat back down, however she cautiously watched Jiraiya like a hawk, wondering where this sudden curiosity had come from.

'_Damn it Tsunade! I saw those sleeping pills! Don't tell me you fell into one of __those __cycles. I mean I know you can get addicted easily to things at times. But please, just don't tell me you did that of all things. That's practically suicide….I'll have to talk to her when I get the chance, but I can't leave now, not without arousing Shizune's suspicions. It's best if only one of us is worrying about Tsunade 24/7, like I'm sure I will be if I don't watch it.'_ Jiraiya wryly thought, hoping that everything he had seen had been one big coincidence, however he never did get that lucky, not with Tsunade at least.

Every time we lie awake  
After every hit we take  
Every feeling that I get  
But I haven't missed you yet  
Only when I stop to think about it


	4. A Gambling Chance

Undesired Romance

Chapter Four: A Gambling Chance

_Your bottles almost empty_

_You know this can't go on_

_Because of you my mind is always racing_

_The needles breaking your skin_

_The scar is sinking in_

_And now your trip begins_

_It's all over for_

_It's all over for_

_You _

That night Tsunade had that wretched Dan dream again, even with the help of the sleeping pills. And just like the night before, it stabbed her in the heart to see him walk away like that. It hurt her to hear him say she loved another man, she couldn't bear even the thought of it.

Tsunade groaned as she sat up in bed the next morning. It was just like the morning before; her head spun, her stomach lurched and she was sure that she wouldn't be able to take a step without falling on her face. However, as a precaution, the night before she had put the shoe box on the nightstand, just in case she needed it during the night.

Tsunade reached over for the box then paused, feeling something that had once been wet, but now was dry, on her cheeks for the first time since she woke up. She brought her hand up and wiped her cheeks, wondering what the liquid that had spilled on her cheeks was. She looked at her fingertips in a meticulous manner after she wiped her cheeks and carefully examined them. The liquid had been clear before it had dried. Tsunade sniffed it and then tasted it...it was salt water. Or in others words tears. Tsunade had been crying in her sleep.

'_I had been crying...in my sleep? What is going on with me? What kind of wuss cries in their damn sleep?' _Tsunade asked herself as she wiped her eyes clean of the dried tear stains. She closed her eyes, and immediately the painful images of _that_ dream brilliantly flashed through the back of her mind. She felt like someone had just pierced her heart with a wooden stake, and she blamed it all on Jiraiya.

'_I don't love him! We are friends, if that! We are colleagues, that's all. I'll never see him as anything more than an egg head perv!_ ' Tsunade defiantly thought to herself

'_Then why can't you stop thinking of him? Huh, Tsunade. Come on face the facts,'_ the voice deep inside the back of her mind said with confidence.

'_No I don't! I love Dan, I will only ever love Dan! That bastard Jiraiya, he always has to make everything hard for me! I'll show him!_ ' Tsunade yelled to herself in her mind as she reached out for the box and roughly pulled out one of the needles. She then roughly jabbed herself in the arm with the needle, the same exact spot as she had inserted it last time. This time, however she didn't shake from her fear of blood, she didn't think about how dangerous this could get if I turned into a cycle. She didn't care either, she just wanted to do something that would piss Jiraiya off, something to make him stop this whole thing. even if it really wasn't his fault at all.

Tsunade's body trembled some from the sudden rush of energy that now coursed through her body. She jumped off the bed, and this time she didn't fall or even miss step. Tsunade smiled, maybe this wasn't such a bad thing, with the sleeping pills she got a good enough sleep and the stimulants would allow her to forget about her problems and give her more than enough energy to work. Maybe this cycle thing wasn't so bad, being a medical-nin and all she knew the possible side affects, she knew the risks involved, but she really didn't care either. All the thoughts about not getting stuck in one of those vicious cycles were abandoned all in one fleeting moment. The surge of energy, the ability to sleep no matter how many nightmares she had, felt way too good to give up. No matter the risks or the cost.

Tsunade was almost tempted to reach for another needle once the initial rush had faded away. However, the voice in the back of her mind still had some control, and for once Tsunade listened to it. Tsunade looked at her hands, which were shaking slightly from all the sudden bursts of energy that ran wildly through her veins. Tsunade smiled, this was even better than Sake, maybe even better than gambling.

'_I can't tell Shizune or Jiraiya about this. They'd worry too much.'_ Tsunade thought as she walked towards the kitchen to get some brunch, you could say. She looked at the clock and noticed it was already twelve o'clock in the afternoon. One of the only problems with the sleeping medication was that it made her sleep in extremely late. Something, that if she kept up would start to worry Shizune and maybe even Jiraiya. But that was something to worry about later.

'_I'll try and go in the office, it's been three days. Surely he can't think a hangover can last that long, then again Jiraiya can be extremely overprotective. But I'll still try, I can't stand sitting here and doing nothing, not with all this extra energy I have from the stimulants.' _Tsunade thought as she took a bite of her orange chicken.

After eating the rest of her orange chicken and fried rice, Tsunade had decided she would wait for Jiraiya to come to her, then ask him about coming into the office. Tsunade was for sure Jiraiya would come and check in the first time he could get away from Shizune. He was way too overprotective not to check in at least once a day, if not more.

Just as Tsunade had anticipated; thirty minutes later Jiraiya came over to make sure everything was okay.

"I'm surprised you came so late. It's almost three. So am I off parole today? Can I go back to work?" Tsunade said as Jiraiya sat down across from her.

"Yeah well this is the first time I could get away from Shizune. She thinks I'm lying when I say I'm coming to check up on you, ya know. And as for your last question...no," Jiraiya smirked, his eyes were watching her ever twitching fingers and her inability to stay still for even a second. His worry and concern overwhelmed him and consumed his mind. He tried to tell himself it was probably nothing; but something deep inside of him wouldn't let him think that. More than once he was tempted to ask Tsunade about her odd behavior, but then decided it would be best to observe her for awhile then decide accordingly from there. No matter how much it killed him to do nothing.

After awhile Jiraiya left, claiming Shizune would be getting worried and angry that he had left her with all the work. Jiraiya left with more questions and worries than he had originally came with, and didn't really get anything done for the rest of the day. Instead he just worried about Tsunade and all the stupid, life threatening things she could've been doing right then.

Once Jiraiya had left Tsunade had resigned to watch one those funny, yet really pointless late night comedies until twelve. After that she fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up after dreaming about Dan again; making it the third time she's had that dream it in a row. Tsunade then went to bed, but not before taking two more sleeping pills.

The days that followed went in the same order. Tsunade would get up around twelve at the earliest. She'd take a stimulant dose, then get some lunch. Soon after lunch Jiraiya would come and check on her, and every time she asked if she could go back in, he would always tell her no for some reason or another. They'd have a short conversation then he'd leave, claiming Shizune would get mad if he kept her waiting any longer. After that Tsunade would watch TV until she was ready for bed, and every night she would dream about Dan and she would even cry in her sleep on occasions. And the more she cried in her sleep and dreamed about Dan, the more she utterly despised Jiraiya. Yet somehow, whether she liked it or not, she began to fall for him and think about him more often. However, the more she thought about him, the more she couldn't help but hate Jiraiya with every fiber of her being.

Jiraiya couldn't help but always notice Tsunade's every growing jumpy and erratic behavior. As a result every time Jiraiya came back to the office he would ask Shizune about the side effects of the cycle she described when he had first asked her. Every time he asked, she would tell him the same thing and every time he got even more worried for his dear friend, and every time Tsunade slipped even more into the cycle. By the end of the week she was up to four sleeping pills at night and two stimulants during the day.

She was slowly losing it, her mind. She would watch romance movies and cruelly laugh. Always saying how no man cold be trusted; stating that men would either do two things: die when you most needed them, or make you fall in love with them when you need...no, have to love someone else. Tsunade would laugh when she injected herself with the stimulant, loving the way the sudden bursts of energy felt. Tsunade had become even found a way to become more cynical and negative than usual and showed an abnormally violent intolerance for Jiraiya. She would go to sleep sometimes thinking about how much she hated him for everything that had gone wrong in her life. She even dreamed of killing him every once and awhile. In short, the hatred consumed her like a disease of madness and insanity.

Sometimes Tsunade would just sit on the couch and think about killing him. A hobby that deeply and utterly scared the voice deep inside her mind, the only sane part of her left. It was scary how fast Tsunade had gone from the mostly sane Hokage to an insane maniac consumed with hating someone she loved deep down inside. However, Jiraiya would never guess she despised him so much; she hid it so well, he would never be able guess her secret thoughts.

One night Tsunade was watching a romance and as usual she was laughing at how pathetic the not-so-heroine was. That's when she smiled in a maniacal fashion and suddenly realized how close love and hate really were. Over the years the line between the two had become nothing more than a weak pencil sketch on a flimsy piece of paper, as it did for any good shinobi over time.

She constantly thought about Jiraiya; about how he made her stomach spin and her head go dizzy. How when she thought about how much she wanted him dead, about how much easier it would be, her heart would race with excitement. About how her lips would tingle when she thought of a new way to insult him, to torture him. All the things that happened in romance novels happened to Tsunade, the only difference was she hated him, with a passion. A sick, deep passion. A passion that had been born and manifested in such an unusually short period of time, perhaps it was the effects of the cycle. But Tsunade didn't care anymore, she didn't care about anything but her love for Dan and her hatred for Jiraiya.

However, there was one thing that Tsunade had never counted on; that no one ever could. What if you fell so deep into hate that the line between love and hate got so blurred that the person you hated the most, somehow became the person you loved the most? Or what if the person you hate is really the person you love, but you're afraid to admit to yourself? Tsuande refused to accept the reality of either of these possible outcomes, not for her anyways. Maybe some other weak-minded sap, but not her, never her. Tsunade didn't even care about either of those options, she just knew she severely hated Jiraiya. And that there was no love in equation, not between her and Jiraiya.

All that Jiraiya knew was that Tsunade was in bad shape. He knew nothing of how much she despised him, or at least how much she told herself she did. He knew nothing of her nightmares or dreams. He knew of none of it, and Tsunade was thankful to the heavens for that.

After it had been a week of no work for Tsunade and her twitching, odd (and even somewhat cold) behavior had only increased, Jiraiya decided to talk to Tsunade about it. It was time someone told her how stupid she was being, that was if she was doing what Jiraiya thought she was doing.

It was two when Jiraiya arrived and he was extremely nervous about how Tsunade was going to take what he was going to say to her. When he walked into the apartment Tsunade was sitting on one of the small couches, practically glaring at Jiraiya.

"Can I go back to the office?" Tsunade said, struggling to sound at least a little inviting. Her hand rested on her crossed knee and her fingers strummed across her pant leg.

"No...Tsunade. I've been worried about you," Jiraiya said, sitting down at his usual place across from Tsunade.

"Why?" Tsunade sharply asked.

"You're always so...it's hard to explain. But you can't seem to stand still, and those bags under your eyes, and you just don't seem yourself."

"I'm fine dammit," Tsunade snapped.

"And that! You snap at me, but I never did anything! You're not okay Tsunade! I know what's going on and you have to stop this! This...this cycle, you take sleeping meds to sleep, then you take stimulants to wake you up. I see the damn needles and the sleeping pills on your nightstand, you can't hide it from me! Do you know how dangerous that is? Do you know how many people are worried about you? If you keep this up, I will have no choice but to report you to the village elders. Don't make me do that," Jiraiya practically yelled, jumping out of his seat, his voice overflowed with concern and worry.

"I don't give a fuck, Jiraiya. Just let me be, let me go back to my damn work. It's been a week since the hangover. I'm fine."

"This isn't about the hangover anymore. I don't know how long you've been in this cycle but it has to stop, you'll kill yourself if your not careful."

"Why should you care?" Tsunade slightly pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest.

"B-because I care about you, that's why. And your body can't take much more of this, Tsunade your losing yourself."

"Why do you care about me? Huh?" Tsunade yelled, her eyes dangerously flashed as she stood up.

"B-because maybe I love you. Have you ever thought of that?"

"No. Because I hate you," Tsunade plainly said. Suddenly she began to laugh, she sounded more like a madman than a Hokage, "Funny, how close love and hate are too each other. Of course I've realized this before, but it just gets funnier every time I think about it. You just wanna kiss me, I just wanna stab you. You wanna love me, I wanna hate you. Love and hate are so alike yet so different, kinda like us. Now please leave Jiraiya. I can and will take care of myself."

"Don't you see this? You're going insane! You need help Tsunade! This will ruin you, it already has, dammit!"

"You're the son of a bitch who drove me to this Jiraiya! It was you and only you! I fuckin' hate you!" Tsunade yelled.

"Y-you can't mean that...please Tsunade. Think about what you're saying, just think!"

"I am! Please, just leave," Tsunade sighed, pointing towards the door.

"Tsunade..."

"Just go! I promise I'll be fine now go, Shizune will get pissed."

"Shizune can wait, you can't-"

"Go the hell away!" Tsunade roared, stamping her foot on the ground, making the whole apartment shake.

"Fine! Whatever, I don't give a fuck anymore Tsunade. You might as well kill yourself while your at it, see if I give a shit! Just see!" Jiraiya yelled, mournfully looking at her and realizing this was one fight he couldn't win. He looked at her one last time before leaving and slamming the door shut. Tsunade growled to herself as tears began to form in her eyes. She desperately needed stimulants, or so she thought. The only problem was she had already had two..but not like Tsunade actually cared. It's not like one more would kill her or anything.

Tsunade wiped her tears as she walked into her bedroom and took a needle from the long shoebox. She looked at the door and her body began to tremble morew violently than before.

"Why are you doing this? I'm supposed to hate you, why are you making me love you? WHY? I should hate you, despise you! And usually I do, but sometimes I-i can't help but love you, why? I'm supposed to love Dan," Tsunade whispered her voice shook with a mixture of grief and fury. Her fist clenched tightly into a ball as she smashed her nightstand into a million pieces with her enhanced strength. She looked down at her arm and grimaced, could she handle three? Was Jiraiya maybe right? No, of course not.

'_I'm going to do this to prove him wrong. I can handle this, I don't him to babysit me, I won't kill myself. I'm stronger than that.' _Tsunade wryly thought as she roughly shoved the needle under her skin and smiled as the rush of new found energy took over her senses. She pulled out the needle and gently rubbed the purple spot where she had injected herself so many times over the past week or so. She discarded the needle and then walked to the living room to turn on the TV and see if anything interesting was on.

All of a sudden her vision spun out of control and her mind hazed over. Tsunade grabbed onto the back of the couch for support, in a desperate plea for help. Although it didn't help her much since her grip on the couch came undone and her legs spontaneously gave way under her weight. Perhaps three was too many; however, there was no going back and not like Tsunade could really give a shit either way.

Tsunade collapsed onto the floor into a lifeless heap and her head sharply slammed against the floor with a smack. Her stomach lurched and she couldn't feel her legs at all. Soon enough her vision went black and she felt completely cold and alone, but to Tsunade that wasn't always a bad thing. After several long, agonizing seconds of the impenetrable darkness she liked to call home, she heard people rush into the room. Tsunade could hear a mob of soft footsteps and murmurs and whispers and voices full of concern. After what felt like a hundred years she faintly heard someone from above her say, "She's still alive!" After that her hearing went along with everything else. She had completely slipped into a dangerous state of unconsciousness by the time a group of medical-nin had arrived to get her stable and into the hospital.

_I know what runs through your blood_

_You do this all in vein_

_Because of you_

_My mind is always_ racing

_And it gets under my skin_

_to see you giving in _

_And now your trip begins_

_It's all over for_

_It's all over for_

_you _


	5. update!

So sorry for this guys, I really hate it when people upload I suppose a 'fake' chapter, you cold call it, where there is no actual story but its more like a bulletin, so I sincerely apologize for this but I felt there were I few things the people who have faved, reviewed, and watched this story should know. First off, for those of you I just mentioned I am so thankful for your support and feedback, even though I usually don't respond to reviews I read every single one of them and greatly appreciate them all. I am also thankful to you guy's for sticking with me despite the fact that I do not upload at constant intervals and I am extremely inactive and I greatly apologize for that. Lots of personal stuff has been going on that has gotten in the way of me constantly updating but that's not an excuse at all.

Anyways, on to the stuff that pertains to the meat of the story. I just recently went back and reread through the chapters I already posted and the ones I had not and found the writing was less than satisfactory in my own personal opinion. Therefore I am going to go back and re-edit them myself and then I'm going to find a good beta and have them edit the chapters (which I should've done in the first place). So, what I'm basically saying is for right now the story is being put on hiatus for the time being until I have all the chapters edited to where they match my current level of writing since this story was originally written about 6-8 months ago if not even more. Again, I'm so sorry for all of you loyal watchers who have been waiting for the next chapter, but I just don't feel they are as good as they could be and I don't want to waste your time by only giving you what is mediocore writing. However despite this setback, I promise to you all i will not discontinue this story, so while I will not be updating for awhile I will be working hard to make this story a hopeful success in both my and reader's eyes.

~Taira-chan


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